The Longing Home
An angry toddler screamed somewhere around the corner on my walk.
When I came around the bend
she stopped her protest
looked at me and said, “hi!”
Of course I replied ”hi!! ” (with all the heart eyes)
including her caregiver in my smile and added, “I feel that way too sometimes.”
She looked at me steadily
then came right over and lifted her arms.
After checking with mom for ok, I picked her up and she snuggled in.
“Did you just need a hug?” said mom,
“She saw the playground and is mad we’re not there yet.”
“I feel ya.” I said
and we stayed that way for a bit until mom said, “Are you ready to continue our run?”
And she was.
“Bye!” “Bye!” we all exchanged.
Home, still with my own angsty tangle brain I brought on the walk
I ask my inner toddler what they feel (are protesting) just now:
Ooof. I’m so achy for the “playground” I see ahead: deep belonging, community, and Care in the larger system for me, for my babe, my dear ones,
for those I see in headlines, for you.
And grrr for this Not Yet the fullness of that long longed for Tend(er) and Together.
This in-between, some and not the fullness is a special kind of hard part.
Longing in a particular future shape and that shape most days far away or here but in part or in pieces
often leaves us questioning if we should want and Care and soften our heart.
So I asked myself next,
What do you need in this just now dear one (even as we imagine and plan and try our way towards tending our lonely, weaving a kinder world?)
Just now I need:
you (bigger me) to say, “I feel ya.” It’s hard (yes, grief) to not be there yet, to glimpse the playground and still have a ways to run.
And it could help the Not Yet be Now to get a hug
And to remember (pre-member) the Future by taking the next small step that feel like Home.
If you need it today, I’m sending you empathy for the hard, solidarity for the next small or big Try
and hugs.
Invitations:
The process of Now and Not Yet-ing a new future often looks like (not always in this order):
1. Longing
2. Striving
3. Crying and Yelling
4. Finding the Feeling you want Then, Now
5. Noticing where it’s already here and blowing on that ember
6. Seeing what’s accessible to expand
7. Togethering it all
Some of how I have been Withing the Now and Not Yet, living the Longing and Home
Of this tend(er) Together dream (feel free to borrow):
Holding my inner toddler and giving them sweet words like, “I’ve got you darling. I know this is so hard, my love. I hear you. I’m here.”
This tonglen meditation for Withing the anger led by Llama Rod Owens: https://buddhist-peace-fellowship.teachable.com/courses/144546/lectures/2299235
(whom I trust to not gaslight because of their wise book Love and Rage)Inviting over a maybe new friend (Then is made from Now)
Talking more frequently to already love me humans
Listening to my kid learn and play ukulele while singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What a Wonderful World” (a Longing Home anthem if I ever heard one!) You can listen the original Israel Kamakawiwo'ole magic here: https://youtu.be/V1bFr2SWP1I?si=PWUjn2evkqrPHTAi
Writing this to say to me and you: You are not alone. Let’s cry and play our way Together Home.